When Baby is the Mommy...

Original Freaky Friday poster

"Kids grow up too fast these days."  It's a statement parents,  the media,  all of us make.   Those of us far enough removed from childhood and the young adult years look back with fondness of the innocence of a a day gone by.

The longer I have been in youth ministry the more that phrase has found a different meaning.  Whether I am in urban, suburban or rural settings I am meeting more and more kids who are put in a position where they need to be the "acting" parent in the household.  Remember the movie, "Freaky Friday?"  It's the one where Mom and daughter mysteriously switch bodies for a day.   They walk a mile in the other shoes to understand "what it's like,"  to be the other.  In the "real world" though this swapping of roles is not helpful.  This moves beyond simple chores,  or responsibility.   Sometimes a parent had a baby too young and is trying to reclaim their own childhood.  Other times parents are working all the time and the child has to take on the household for them. Finally, there are some parents who are just so exhausted with life they can't seem to handle the emotional side of anything.  As they shut down,  someone needs to step into that accountability,  so it becomes the child.  Honestly,  I could list scenario after scenario.

Kids are not growing up too fast just because the world is pushing them.  In some cases,  kids are becoming the adult of the household out of necessity.  Many times as "youth people" we are seeing this happen under our noses.  We are hearing the stories,  from a one sided student perspective.  It paints a very bleak picture.  Our response is usually just to get angry,  and brood at how evil the parents are.

Yesterday,  I was talking to a friend of mine about a girl she has a very close relationship with.  We were talking about this very idea.  The Mom is a single Mom,  and Dad is not in the picture.  Due to the exhaustion of raising several children on her own and working full time, Mom is giving up and a lot is placed on the girl.  While she is asked to take care of more than her "fair share,"  she has been given no boundaries.  In short being a "mini adult"  has meant she can do whatever she wants,  whenever she wants.  Although the girl is 16 she is emotionally about 10.   In an effort to "take care of herself,"  a  break  happened in her learning how to healthily grow.   She does not know how to properly communicate or share her feelings.  Yet,  the young woman really thinks  she is mature.   So what has been produced is a teen who believes herself to be older than she is.   Who wouldn't if you were totally in charge of your own care by the time you were 11?

Yet,  as we talked I loved the way my friend was encouraging this girl to develop her relationship with her Mom.  My friend had actually been building a friendship with the Mom,  and was learning there was way more to this story than meets the eye.  Much of the way she parents is actually out of a coping mechanism.

Chances are if you haven't encountered a "Freaky Friday,"  type of parent/child switch, you will soon.

What do we do in these types of situations?

1.  Get to Know the Parent:

Come up with a way that you can have an interaction with your parents on a weekly basis,  just to get to know their names.  The goal is to move beyond introductions to be able to speak to them about deeper things.    One friend does a great job of this.  He is in a church environment where parents come to pick up their kids.  He makes sure each parent gets a "touch" ever week.  He and his team spread out and meet the cars as parents come.  Sometimes they just bring the parents a small gift (cup of coffee) and say, "Thanks for letting your child come here."   Our kids either walk to us or get rides.  So we have to be more intentional.  We call parents and check in on them.  If we pick their child up,  we go to the door as opposed to beeping the horn.  It takes more time,  but it's worth it.  As they say in Young Life,  we are  "earning the right to be heard."


2.  Get the WHOLE story.

As you get to know the parent you can start asking them about "What's going on at home."  Remember what we hear from the kids is just one side.  There is another piece and probably many layers as well.  I have found that as I hear a story,  I set aside judgement until I hear it all.  Since you have been building a relationship with the parent you now can start asking some questions.  Be careful,  you have been building trust with the teen and you don't want to barrel in and say,  "Hey so your kid said you go out partying every night,  tell me what's up with that?"  Also,  whatever the teen is feeling is very real to them.  Our perception of reality,  is our reality.  Sensitively,  approach the parent,  "How are you?"  As you get to know them,  that question will give you more and more information.


3.  Get everyone communicating.

Recently I started a lesson series with my small group teaching youth to talk to their parents.  Their homework last week was to spend 30 minutes with their parents just being with them.  The greatest frustration in my group is that they feel like they are not heard at home.   One of the first steps we talked about was them showing their parents they want them.   Now,  you would have thought that I had asked them to save the Titanic,  from this request.  However,  they all did it.  One of the boys said,  "I watched a whole movie with my Dad,  he wanted to know what I wanted."   Kids and parents often give up communicating with each other.   Teach your students how to tell their parents how they are feeling.  Encourage them to share.  If they can't do it face to face,  have them send a letter.  Then tell them to follow up with, "Did you get my note?"   If parents are intimidated at the first move,  suggest they start by sending their child a Facebook message.  THEN- sit down and talk to them face to face.  Many times parents shut down and back down because they have no idea how their actions are really affecting their child.  The best person to hear it from is the child.


Finally,  don't be afraid to see the parent,  as the parent.  They may or may not be acting like it,  but that doesn't mean they don't need you to respect them as such.  The easier road is to just step in and either become or ignore the parent.  An example might be that you just pick a student up after school, without asking permission.  "Well, the parent doesn't really care anyway,"  can be our excuse.  Instead, we must think to ourselves constantly,  "How would I want to be treated as a parent?"  We would want a phone call knowing where our child is going and for how long and with whom.  Ask the child to call themselves,  if they won't then we do it.  Small steps like asking permission before you take a child out with you can make a huge difference.

At midnight on Friday when all is right with the world the "switch" back won't happen. There is no movie magic in the "real world."  It's a process.   However,  as we keep treating the parent like the parent,  it can make first strides towards change.  Sometimes,  it is the very piece that brings a parent into a vibrant relationship with their Savior.